The Lounge | A Column for Men: Cry Regardless

“Real men don’t cry” ranks very high on my list of worst advice ever. Why shouldn’t we? Who determined being emotionally unavailable was appropriate? What quantifies and qualifies a “real man?” How are we supposed to have meaningful partnerships with emotional creatures if we cannot process and convey our own emotions?

grew up a product of the “bootstrap” generation. Tears were for soft and weak individuals, showing emotion was a chink in the armor, and talking about how you felt was taboo. I was made to believe that this was the only way to survive, by not letting anyone get too close. “Never let them catch you slipping” still plays over and over in my mind as I try to navigate a new culture, new surroundings, and new relationships.

I have often said that walls build both castles and prisons. Keeping everyone at arm’s length only keeps you from creating authentic interpersonal experiences. Likewise, everything you are keeping in remains inside until you either implode or explode. I ruined many friendships and romantic relationships by erecting these walls. The only emotion I knew how to convey was anger, it was my default reaction to everything. Since the lounge is a place for transparency, I will say that anger is still my immediate reaction. The only difference now is that I have control over what I do and say when I am feeling that way.